Breakfast Topic: Patch 2.U
by David Bowers 
Jul 14th 2007 at 8:01AM
So now, imagine if you will, that you have the golden opportunity to design a future WoW patch, creatively entitled "Patch 2.U." You are now the temporary chief of the Blizzard Development team. You sit in your throne room and dictate what the contents of the next patch will be!... But only for about 5 minutes -- then you have to step down from your throne and put the chief's hat on the next person in line. Then that person gets to dictate the patch notes, making any changes they see fit.
Let's say you can choose 5 items for your own personal patch notes here; what changes or new features would be most important to you? If you see any changes from commenters above you which you absolutely can't abide, feel free to change them back. This will probably give us an example of the absolute chaos this game would be if players were actually in charge, but it could be pretty interesting. Be sure to check out the "Guide to Writing Fake Patch Notes," and then... patch away!
[Patch note funnies by Penny Arcade!]
Filed under: Patches, Breakfast topics, Humor
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Chris M Jul 14th 2007 9:15AM
1. Shadowform - Now negates 80% physical damage, and boosts shadow damage by an increased 20%.
2. Fear Ward - Multiple castings of Fear Ward now stack charges; buff length is determined by number of castings.
3. Vampiric Embrace now heals all party members for an increased %20 after talents.
4. 2.U - Fixes a bug where Warlocks were allowed to take damage. This is not a properly functioning game mechanic. Warlocks are invincible. QQ, LRN2PLAY NOOBS.
5. Free weekly respecs. Any respec over the provided weekly freebie is at 200% cost.
Pivex Jul 14th 2007 9:58AM
1. Feral druids will now be able to use consumables and quest items while shapeshifted (BEARS ARE VERY DEXTEROUS)
2. Curse of Doom will now affect player characters
3. All dungeons will have heroic options
4. Prot Pallies will have the option to block request that they respec holy
5. Any shadow priest that repeatedly pulls aggro because of mind flaw and tells the tank to "L2P" will suffer an instant 72 hour account suspension
Baluki Jul 14th 2007 9:59AM
1. Totem of Wrath replaced with something that isn't just mildly useful in raids, and isn't completely boring. All other shaman issues fixed. `Bout time, eh kids?
2. Totem UI that we've been promising since the friggin' dawn of time.
3. WoW subscription fee waved when you're broke.
4. Priest spells Circle of Healing and Lightwell replaced by something useful.
5. The current raid dungeons have been reclassified as "Heroic", and a new Normal mode for 10 players has been added to each.
Jay Jul 14th 2007 10:00AM
1. Raid-Wide Shammy Totems
2. Shammy 'Ghost Wolf' Usable In 'Ghost Form'... Duh.
3. Pots in Druid Form
4. Class Specializations -> Rogue Monk, Fist Weapons Only, Super Dodge, And Can Only Wear Cloth. Etc
5. Guild Halls/Banks
Sadly, I'm a Druid, so I don't know why I think of Shammy stuff so much... Enhancement Shammys need a purpose.
lunada Jul 14th 2007 10:10AM
1.) Dragonkin form: At the loss of all other forms Druids now have the ability to gain a dragonkin form. This form combines the abilities of all other forms as well as makes the druid hated by their home faction, making killing former friends and guildmates possible.
2.) Druids of the Dragonflight: This new faction is for druids only and gaining rep with them would make your home faction eventually hate you. But this faction gives the druids the ability to gain the dragonkin form.
3.) New emote: /piggyback, this new emote allows those who are at least 10lvs higher than the targeted party member to force them to carry the higher lv on their back and combined with the new trinket "A Peon's Incentive" will increase the lower lv players speed by 50% when equiped by the higher lv.
4.)New Warrior Ability: Warrior's will now have a new ability called "Time Stop". This new ability allows any speced warrior to stop time for 10 sec as well as filling up their rage bar to full.
5.)New Shaman Totem: Shamans will now have access to a new totem called "Nova Totem". This new totem with 1000hp has a 3 sec cast offensive spell that does 5000hp damage. This totem has a 20 sec cooldown.
Eckozealot Jul 14th 2007 10:27AM
Ret pally fix time!
1. The paladin talent "Vengence" now wipes 30% agro from the paladin everytime it is refreshed.
2. The paladin talent "Vengence" now also increases group damage by 1% per stack.
3. The paladin talent "Repentence" is now a 40 sec long CC on a 1 min cooldown.
4. Crusader Strike is now a 6 sec cooldown, and costs 4% of base mana, also applies the Judgement of the Crusader.
5. New Talent: "Vengence Everlasting" requiring 41 points in the retribution tree. This talent makes every stack of "Vengence" give you a 5% chance to restore 150 mana and health to the group.
lunada Jul 14th 2007 10:30AM
Correction: Shaman Nova Totem does 5000hp AOE damage
=P
JP Jul 14th 2007 10:56AM
1)Hunters once again recieve 2ap for each point of agility.
2)Hunter pets fixed; each specie of pet recieves a specific ability free of training point cost.
3)Cooldown on wyvern sting reduced to 25 sec, sleep duration increased to 20 sec(PvE only).
4)Instanced player housing introduced. People can now buy housed instanced in all capital cities(including shattrah) from prices ranging from 2500-10000 gold
5)New prfessions introduced:
Woodworker-builds bows,arrows,furniture for player houses, any various BoE idols,librams.totems, and trinkets
Lumberwork-Gathers wood from nodes on existing trees.
Lezwit Jul 14th 2007 11:52AM
1) Rogue - Cloak of Shadows has been removed from the game due to numourous complaints on the Mage and Warlock forums.
2) Duid - Druids can no longer shapeshift out of Polymorph.
3) Warrior - Warriors will now generate as much threat as a druid. About time!
4) Mage - Increased the percentage coefficient for Frostbolt, Fireball, and Arcane blast. Now mages can actually keep up with Warlocks in damage.
5) Mage - Mages can now train to summon a pet that makes them invincible for as long as the pet is out. Fuck warlocks, they're OP anyways.
John L. Purdy Jul 14th 2007 12:12PM
1. Updated quests and add more for 1-60 grind.
2. Heroic option added for all pre- BC dungoens and raid instances.
3. Gilneas zone now opens up new mid- level content for players.
4. Uldum and Grim Batol finally open!
5 Azshara Crator Battleground aka Forlorn Ridge in Azshara finally opens!
Krick Jul 14th 2007 12:28PM
1. A new Engineering world drop recipe has been added for Parachute Cloak XL, a rare quality (blue) item that requires engineering 325 to use.
2. A new Engineering wold drop recipe has been added for Gyroscopic Boomerang, a rare quality (blue) thrown item that requires engineering 300 to use.
3. A new Engineering recipe for Universal Translator Ring can be learned from the trainers in Outland. The "use" effect of this item allows the user understand and communicate with opposing faction members for a short time. Requires engineering 330 to use.
4. A new Engineering world drop recipe has been added for Gnomish Cloaking Ring, an epic quality (purple) item. This item is bind on pickup and requires engineering 375 to use. Using this item gives the user invisibility until they attack. Any damage will break the effect. It can only be used every 30 minutes. Wearing this ring too long can drive the user insane.
5. A new Engineering recipe has been added for Goblin Pyro-Pauldrons. Using this item causes an explosion of fire around the wearer, causing fire damage to all targets within 10 yards. It can only be used once every 5 minutes. Requires Goblin engineer.
Kamehamaha Jul 14th 2007 12:47PM
Removed the bug that allows Shadowpriests to occasionally die in-game.
Acariquara Jul 14th 2007 3:36PM
1. Felguard is no longer a 41-point Demonology talent. It is now trainable by all Warlocks at level 66.
2. New 41 point Demonology talent: Demonic Shield: Armor is doubled on all summoned minions. Passive. Only works inside instanced dungeons.
(1 is overpowered? Yeah, so was CloS)
Chris Jul 14th 2007 4:30PM
1.Druid epic flight form graphic has been replaced from bird to dragon, tauren will have horned dragons, night elves have long flop eared dragons
Chris Anthony Jul 14th 2007 4:53PM
1. Because of numerous complaints from players regarding warlocks being "overpowered", warlocks are being removed from the game. Players with warlock characters will be prompted upon connecting to a server to change their former Warlocks' classes on that server to Rogue, Hunter, or Mage. This change will take place on a per-character basis. Since this is a merge with other classes and not a major revision of the class, talent points will not be refunded.
2. Characters can once again Pitch Up and Pitch Down when swimming or flying.
3. The western edge of Elwynn Forest has long been terrorized by the gnolls, an extraordinarily violent race of humanoids who want nothing less than to drive the humans from the Eastern Kingdoms entirely. Recently, an expedition from Stormwind has uncovered the ultimate home of the Elwynn gnolls - a maze of burrows that extends from Westbrook Garrison all the way to the Maclure Vineyards.
Although the gnolls simply call these burrows "home", the humans have begun to refer to the caves by another name - that of the leader of the gnolls, never seen by daylight, known for his habit of stealing out at night to ravage the livestock. Below the quiet ground of Elwynn, Hogger's Den awaits - if you are brave enough to challenge the gnolls...
(Hogger's Den is a new 5-man dungeon located in western Elwynn forest. It is intended for characters of levels 5-12.)
4. The Gnomish engineers, tired of being shamed by adventurers who ask them why they can't "just add more shocks or something", have developed a new Giant Mechanostrider. While the Giant Mechanostrider only increases land speed by 40%, it is rideable by all races. The gnomes claim that their next release will be a Rocket-Powered Giant Mechanostrider, which will allow its rider to move at 180% normal speed.
5. Due to player concerns about the "monotony" of leveling alts, a new play mode has been added to World of Warcraft. When you press the Party Shuffle button (in the Interface Options screen), the quests given in your current zone are randomly assigned to different NPCs. This option ensures that you'll never play a zone the same way twice!
Krick Jul 14th 2007 4:59PM
@15 ...
"Characters can once again Pitch Up and Pitch Down when swimming or flying."
Why is this such a big deal for people? Just use the damn mouse to steer while swimming like everyone else.
klink-o Jul 14th 2007 5:46PM
All stealth players and units are now required to wear a bell.
Chris Anthony Jul 14th 2007 6:15PM
@16, what's with the hostility?
I encourage you to learn and internalize the phrase "de gustandibus non est disputandum". It means "there's no arguing with taste" - or, more loosely, "my way isn't The One And Only Way" - and I frankly think the Internet would be a much better place if everyone on it understood that tenet.
I prefer using the keyboard to pitch, for reasons that include but are not limited to my desire to not limit myself to "mouse=steer, keyboard=actions" and a bug that resets my pitch to horizontal when the camera reaches the water that didn't occur before the pitching change.
That you prefer the mouse doesn't make my preference for the keyboard any less valid, and vice versa.
-Chris A.
http://www.etherjammer.com/blog/
Chris Anthony Jul 14th 2007 6:16PM
(I meant to say, at the end of that comment, that I realize that it was off-topic. Sorry for dragging the thread off-course.)
-CA
Tiodi Jul 14th 2007 7:07PM
1. Because of complaints from Level 60 players that they cannot earn enough gold to afford an epic mount, Hellfire peninsula will no longer award quest experience. Gold will be rewarded in place.
2. Epic mounts now only give a 75% speed increase.
3. NEW!! Racial Side affects! We feel this may increase realism!
Human: Friendly and Kind emotes removed. Humans now may also become overweight when well fed.
Dwarf: Cannot become drunk. In fact, Dwarves begin to malfunction without a beer an hour.
Night elf: May not learn to use rifles, as these are out of place with them. Also, only females can shadowmeld.The /dance emote is removed, along with all romantic emotes. Shadowmeld can only be used at night.
Gnome: Gnomes cannot swim.
Draenei: Horseshoes: Draenei become infected with a virus if horseshoes are not purchased every 2 weeks. Horseshoes are 30g.
Orcs: Orcs must buy a Chew toy and use it for ten minutes straight once a day or their teeth will grow too big and Circe through their lips and kill them.
Trolls: trolls have no side affects if they are shamans.
Tauren: If they have cow or beef in their names, they loose all stat bonuses. Also, if they eat meat, a lv 70 elite mob spawns and kills them.
Undead: Undead must return to undercity and regenerate for one day straight once a week.
Blood elf: If no magic is used for 5 minutes, blood elves get drunk and have 50% speed reduced.
4.Arthas has decided his throne needs remodeling. He now walks around the entire world and kills everything he sees. In addition, the first person he kills in a newbie area every 3 days will be stalked by him forever.
5. Mankrik's wife's body is now invisible.